i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize