If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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