I skipped work to stalk him.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
