no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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