if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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