In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
