she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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