Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
