For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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