I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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