one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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