I got chris browned last night
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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