I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Randomize
