All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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