I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize