Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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