She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
