You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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