I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize