I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
