I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
