I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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