Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
