But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
