My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
