so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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