woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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