Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize