I am in a vortex of obligation.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
