at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
