Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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