I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize