Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
