we're blogging at a bar
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
