he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
