Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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