just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
