why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
