insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
