omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We left the knife in your bed.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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