Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
