She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
