I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you would pick up someone in the library
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
