so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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