We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
