I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
