i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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