I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
