Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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