he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
