Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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