sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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