You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
