If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
