There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
