so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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