I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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