I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
