You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
