I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
