hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize