yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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