don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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