Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
